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Last night I was competing in the Rooster T. Feathers comedy competition in Sunnyvale. Go if you can. The club is old school (reminded me of Hollywood’s Comedy Store) — warm, pro, and one of the friendliest I’ve seen.

While waiting for the show to start, I saw Larry “Bubbles” Brown walking around — hilarious, been on Letterman, etc. I overheard somebody say he was headlining.

Later, a friend asked me who was headlining, so I said, “Larry Bubbles Brown.”

“No, I am headlining,” said a man next to me. I looked at him, but didn’t recognize him. I later found out he was Dan St. Paul — Comedy Central, MTV, opened for Seinfeld, did a movie with Robin Williams….

But I didn’t know this. So of course, being an idiot, I said:

……..“And who are you?”

He belly laughed and grimaced painfully.

Because I am an idiot.

Let this be a lesson.

The Skywalkers are the trashiest family in the galaxy.

Available here.

1. my nickname in elementary school was ‘witchiepoo’.

2. i’ve run 3 marathons; during my 2nd on the streets of l.a., two native americans blew past me barefoot at the 13th mile

3. my father is a physician at a state hospital for the criminally insane. 

4. i performed magic shows at kids’ birthday parties as a teenager and dreamed of being the next doug henning, complete with 70s rainbow outfit.

5. three of the women i’ve dated are now lesbians.

6. a shaman once told me i have a knife sticking out of my back where i was stabbed in a previous life.

7. i have a 2nd degree black belt in uechi-ryu okinawan karate (we have crane moves, just like mr. miyagi!) and i broke two of my ribs fighting in full contact bare knuckle bouts.

8. i’m a conspiracy theory addict.

9. part of my family is from vik, a settlement in southwestern norway where many vikings originated, and my DNA markers indicate viking blood.

10. i proposed to my wife on the steps of the church where dante first spied beatrice in florence, italy.

11. i have a fetish for found action figures that have been marred or damaged, missing limbs, etc.

12. i was a computer hacker as a teen, and almost got busted by a federal agency; several friends wound up in jail.

13. i’ve had out of body experiences while awake & sober.

14. i’d love to live in a barn.

15. i was a performance artist in l.a. during the 90s, and once almost electrocuted myself with butter and 2 AC electrodes.

16. my brother and i used to dress up like batman and robin, make gasoline bombs out of coke cans, and throw razor-sharp ninja stars in our fresno backyard. we also had the hots at daycare for identical blonde sisters we called “the butter twins.”

17. i’ve been taking french lessons weekly for the past 4 years and my accent still sucks.

18. i’ve seen the movie ishtar more times than any other movie.

19. once while walking around in my motorcycle armor at the union street fair, i accidentally bumped sf mayor gavin newsom with my padded shoulder — he stumbled back 3 feet, and his wife Jennifer Siebel laughed.

20. i like listening to crunchy/cut-up electronica or anything crazy that sounds homemade — aphex twin, blevin blectum, wesley willis….

21. i’ve seen every episode of the dukes of hazzard, the greatest american hero, and twin peaks.

22. i heart david lynch, harmony korine, and woody allen.

23. if i had to read only one writer, it would be charles bukowski.

24. my granny hacked the heads off of chickens with a hatchet on her farm in nebraska.

25. i’m a vegetarian.

What are 25 random things about you?

Made from one Sharpie Ultra Fine Point permanent marker in black, my left arm (fist still attached), one whoopsy I lost count of the tequila shotz, and three unforgettable minutes.

I’ve been a freak my whole life for the paranormal—so much that for years I seriously considered a poverty-inducing career as a fearless parapsychology researcher.

I wouldn’t have made it very far, though, because I find it hard to remain skeptical in the face of uncanny personal experiences that can’t be easily explained away, especially when some, like my encounters with E.S.P. and ghosts, have been witnessed by other people right beside me.

Example: During a 2-week period my freshman year in college, my roommate David and I both witnessed a ghost many times throughout our dorm hall. The first time it appeared in our dorm room, I was sitting on my bed reading a book and David was sitting on his bed. Suddenly the air grew cold. I felt what seemed like static electricity all over my body. The hair on my arms stood up. I looked up at the door to our room and saw a large shadow-figure man about 8 feet tall with no features except for two glowing yellow eyes. I turned my head and looked at David and saw him FREAKING OUT and looking in the same direction. I said, “Oh my god, did you just see that?” And he responded: “THE EYES!” Then I looked down at my book. Against the white of the page I was reading I could see two white-yellow spots that had been burned onto my retina like a photo flash—except these were the same space apart as the figure’s glowing eyes. I looked at the floor, the ceiling, and the spots were still there; in other words, I’d had a physiological response to whatever David and I had just seen.

The above story isn’t bullshit; I didn’t make the apparition up. If I knew where David lives now I’d ask him to officially corroborate right here. Regardless, such experiences make me a sucky researcher; how could I possibly be objective?

With my full disclosure out of the way, of all there is to study, research, and learn about the paranormal, psychokinesis—the power to move objects, also known as telekinesis—excites me the most, and I’m not alone; googling ‘telekinesis experiment’ pulls up 77,900 results, probably to the chagrin of the world’s premier skeptic and debunker on these matters, magician James Randi.

Here’s where it gets interesting. In case you didn’t know, for many years Randi has had a standing offer of $1,000,000, now held in escrow by Goldman Sachs, to any person “who can demonstrate any psychic, supernatural or paranormal ability under satisfactory observing conditions.” Unfortunately, nobody has satisifed the offer’s demands, though many have tried.

I just learned that Randi’s offer sadly expires March 6, 2010. With time running short, I’ve decided to take up his challenge. That’s right: each day, for a few minutes at a time, I will attempt to move (or bend, which is called deforming, a subset of psychokinetic power) a small object. Since nobody apparently knows how to move junk with the mind (or else they would’ve already won Randi’s cash), I’m obviously going to have to try different mental tricks—a different key each day until I find the one that fits the lock. Should I push? Should I pull? Should I stare at the ceiling? Should I relax? I have no idea. But I’m going to try everything I can think of, and log my experiments here on this blog for your amusement. I may even create a special page or section just for results—I dunno, I’m too excited to say for sure. And I’m not kidding. I want that million bucks.

So it begins. I’m sitting at work right now with a plastic spoon, feet flat on the floor, wearing jeans, black Jackass-branded hi-tops, and a blue t-shirt. I’m slightly constipated and have to pee. My hair is normal. Eyes: normal. I’m not kidding here. I’m really going to do this!

Ok, first experiments—I’m going to try to move that spoon an inch.

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, pushing with eye rays, thinking nothing.
Result: nothing so far

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, thinking ‘move’.
Result: nothing so far

Test: Staring at spoon relaxed, eyes relaxed, picturing spoon twisting clockwise.
Result: nothing so far

UPDATE! — I’ve started a daily log for this experiment here—be sure to bookmark it, or use this permalink: http://www.scotchwichmann.com/psychokinetic-experiment/

Smoking Gun reports 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez allegedly broke into a Fresno home Saturday morning, stole $900, and in a bizarre attack, beat one resident with an 8-inch sausage before tossing seasoning into another victim’s face.

That’s almost as good as the time in 2000 when zany actress Anne Heche, allegedly suffering a mental breakdown after her breakup with Ellen DeGeneres, was found wandering in a rural area outside Fresno. Reportedly wearing only a bra and shorts, she rang a stranger’s doorbell, inquired about a gateway to outer space, and asked if she could use their shower.

Now comes the incredible part: one time when I was 8, I flashed my sausage at Marcy Gatrel, a schizophrenic girl my age who lived across the street from me in Fresno. She later knocked on our door, and when my dad answered, she bit him on the arm, and listen to this: she was wearing a bra and shorts!

	Anne Heche	Marcy Gatrel
Geographic Location	Fresno	Fresno
Mental State	(allegedly) crazy	(certified) crazy
Attire	bra & shorts	bra & shorts
Knocked on Door?	yes	yes
Bizarre Act	asked about space gateway	bit my dad’s arm
Presence of “Gate”	yes, inquired about the outer space variety	yes, last name is Gatrel, pronounced GATE-rull
Reaction to Sausage	will eat it, provided it’s attached to Ellen DeGeneres	will look at it, provided it’s hanging out of the 1979 terrycloth shorts my grandma made

These disparate synchronicities have coalesced into a ratty nexus more uncanny and fabulous than 80s metal band hair, and I’m gonna wear that wig, people! Anne Heche is my interdimensional psychic Fresno underwear sausage space gateway twin AND I INTEND TO PROVE IT!