The Skywalkers are the trashiest family in the galaxy.

Available here.

typing as fast as i can — no time for the shift key —

1. my nickname in elementary school was witchie-poo.

2. i’ve run 3 marathons; during my 2nd on the streets of L.A., two native americans blew past me barefoot at the 13th mile, their long black hair blowing in the wind. they were beautiful.

3. my father is a physician at a state hospital for the criminally insane. 

4. i performed magic shows at kids’ birthday parties as a teenager and dreamt of being the next doug henning, complete with his ’70s rainbow outfit.

5. three of the women i dated now prefer women.

6. a shaman once told me that she saw a knife sticking out of my back where i was stabbed in a previous life.

7. i have a 2nd degree black belt in uechi-ryu okinawan karate (we have crane moves, just like mr. miyagi!) and i broke two of my ribs fighting in full-contact, bare-knuckle bouts.

8. i’m a conspiracy theory addict. when i’m president, my first trip will be to area 51.

9. part of my family is from vik, a settlement in southwestern norway where some viking clans originated, and i have a DNA marker indicating viking ancestry.

10. i’m addicted to coffee.

11. i have a fetish for found action figures that have been marred or damaged, are missing limbs, etc.

12. i was a computer hacker as a teen, and almost got busted by a federal agency. several hacker friends landed up in jail.

13. i’ve had two full conscious out-of-body experiences while awake and sober.

14. i’d love to live in a barn.

15. i got my start as a performance artist in L.A. in the early ’90s, and once almost electrocuted myself with butter and 2 AC electrodes.

16. my brother and i used to dress up like batman and robin, make gasoline bombs out of coke cans, and throw razor-sharp ninja stars in our fresno backyard. we also had the hots at daycare for identical blonde sisters we called “the butter twins.”

17. i took french lessons weekly as an adult for 4 years and my accent still sucks.

18. i’ve seen the movie ishtar more times than any other movie. and elaine may is a genius.

19. once while walking around in my motorcycle armor at san francisco’s union street fair, i accidentally bumped then-SF-mayor gavin newsom with my padded shoulder. he stumbled back 3 feet, and his wife jennifer siebel laughed.

20. i like listening to crunchy/cut-up electronica or anything audio that sounds homemade. give me aphex twin, blevin blectum, matmos….

21. i’ve seen every episode of the dukes of hazzard, the greatest american hero, and twin peaks.

22. if i had to watch the film or TV work of only one director for the rest of my days, i’d probably choose david lynch.

23. i’m a bibliophile. i have more books by bukowski than by any other author. next in line would be joyce and faulkner.

24. my granny hacked the heads off of chickens with a hatchet on her farm in nebraska.

25. i wasn’t a vegetarian. then i was. and now i’m not.