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Two Performance Artists book by Scotch Wichmann
Two Performance Artists Kidnap Their Boss And Do Things With Him
Inspired by my crazy adventures as a performer on the road, this is the story of two performance artists who cook up the ultimate performance: to kidnap their billionaire boss...and turn him into the wildest performance artist the world's ever seen.

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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Like a Desert in My Mouth

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

Retarded Policeman

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Build Your Own Aircraft…With Flies

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Click to zoom in.

I Am An Idiot

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Last night I was competing in the Rooster T. Feathers comedy competition in Sunnyvale. Go if you can. The club is old school (reminded me of Hollywood’s Comedy Store) — warm, pro, and one of the friendliest I’ve seen.

While waiting for the show to start, I saw Larry “Bubbles” Brown walking around — hilarious, been on Letterman, etc. I overheard somebody say he was headlining.

Later, a friend asked me who was headlining, so I said, “Larry Bubbles Brown.”

“No, I am headlining,” said a man next to me. I looked at him, but didn’t recognize him. I later found out he was Dan St. Paul — Comedy Central, MTV, opened for Seinfeld, did a movie with Robin Williams….

But I didn’t know this. So of course, being an idiot, I said:

……..“And who are you?”

He belly laughed and grimaced painfully.

Because I am an idiot.

Let this be a lesson.

God Bless Public Access Television

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

Vagina juice may hold key to solving HIV

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

I’m not kidding! Really! Look it up!

From today’s Science Daily: “…sex workers studied in Nairobi, Kenya, appear resistant to HIV infection…evidence suggests that certain biological factors in their vaginal fluid may play a role in resistance…

Gay guys wanting innoculation are going, “Uh-uh, hell no, I ain’t drinkin THAT!” Pucker up to the hairy snare, pretty boys! The first fluffer to send me a fabulous foto of him drinking a refreshing glass of Snatch(TM) wins a free t-shirt with the nipples cut out!!!

The Poop on Crazy Coffee

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008

My favorite coffee brand is Meth Coffee because it doesn’t taste burnt like Tarbucks, it has a mellow smooth flavor, and the super-caffeinated Arabica beans and Yerba Mate buck my ass up without the nervous shakes. Plus they’re a supporter of drug and alcohol recovery groups like the Comedy Addiction Tour. If caffeine is your favorite drug, try it.

If you’d rather drink poopoo and kaka, pick up a bag of Paradise Coffee, which is made from beans that’ve been eaten and shat out of an Asian Palm Civet’s butt. I’m serious. Civet coffee, a.k.a. Kopi Luwak, is the most expensive coffee bean in the world at $160/pound, and who can resist? Just read the alluring description on the Paradise web site:

“It has a rich, heavy flavour with hints of chocolate . . . the body is almost syrupy.”

Damn straight—it plopped out of a mongoose rodent’s ass!

Yum. I know what I’ll be drinking the next time I watch 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

Maury Povich has the craziest guests

Friday, August 29th, 2008

Bigfoot playing possum

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

Fake bigfoot carcassThe two Georgia men claiming to have found Bigfoot’s body last week came forward today to admit it was all a hoax. In truth the carcass they unveiled was just a rubber Sasquatch costume filled with . . . wanna guess?

Possum roadkill and slaughterhouse leftovers.

Think of it: these guys could’ve filled the suit with anything—old rags, pillows, even dirt. Any of these would’ve been convincing enough for a grainy photograph. But they actually opted for decaying animals—even though nobody but them would know there were carcasses inside. That’s dedication, people. Deadication.

Makes you wonder what Star Wars’ costume maker stuffed into Chewbacca.

“So, did you give the wookie a heart?”

“No. Pig intestines!”

I wish I were a reporter on the scene—I’m so filled with questions I could burst! Is fat roadkill better than flat? Do tire tread marks add structure? I can totally picture those good ole boys driving around Georgia backroads looking for roadkill: “There’s a possum, Jeb! Stop the truck! I’ll get the shovel!” Scraaape.

And what, pray tell, are ‘slaughterhouse leftovers’? Spleens? Hair? Teeth? That must’ve been some nasty-ass dumpster diving.

“Thank you for calling MovieFone. Press 1 for Deliverance: The Early Years, starring Hannibal Lecter.”

Now the men are being threatened with lawsuits, which is sad. The “Blowoff”—carny slang for the bonus attraction at a sideshow where you’re charged an extra quarter to see a woman with a hairy spider legs, a three-legged fetus in a jar, or some other display you know is probably faked out—is a great tradition of traveling American and English sideshows dating back to the 1820s, and still exciting today. That’s all these Georgia bubbas are guilty of.

A lawsuit? Come on. We all hoped it was Sasquatch, but did anyone really believe? Really? Truly?

Ok, maybe this guy did. And boy, does he look pissed.

Spermless portfolio-puller putzes

Friday, August 1st, 2008

try walking san francisco’s financial center downtown at 8 a.m. and see if you don’t get run over by 300-pound corn-fed businessmen pulling their briefcases behind them on little luggage carts.  it’s no wonder america’s gotten soft—its men can’t even carry their junk. you’d think they were hauling forty bricks or hiking a hundred miles or suffering a broken arm, but noooo.  these paunchy lady men may look fairly robust.  they stop to buy snacks. they wave to fellow financiers. they puff on cigars. but then they put their bald heads down like bulls and charge with their little effete dollies rattling behind them over curbs, cigarette butts, passed-out bums….  

“sure,” they grunt. “we can put down half a pig and a bottle of chateauneuf while grabbing the lunchtime waitress’s ass, but sometimes that 2-pound briefcase gets a little heavy.  it’s the working man’s burden.  our cross to bear.  hell yes it is.  heh heh.  suck my balls.  grrr.  now. where did i put my hanky?”

maybe they just like the feel of pulling something behind—it adds length to their girth on the sidewalk. fuck viagra.  or maybe the act of folding up the cart when they get to the office makes them feel important: “hold on, larry, i’ll ride up in the elevator with you right after i fold up my big-ass samsonite all-steel roller here.  yessir, she’s a nice one.  almost as big as my cock, heh heh.  wait, hold on, i’ve gotta spit.”  

and i’m sure it’ll get worse.  next it’ll be their wallets.  then coinpurses.  ”hallo, mr. homeless person. i am a big spätzle-eating german businessman.  you want to touchen mine frankenfurter?  it iz quite large!  ha ha ha. no i only kid you.  vut iz dat? you vant a quarter? sure, let me bend down here and go into my little four-ounze coin purse i am pulling back here on my gertzheimerlund all-aluminum pully pully. oh! i am out of quarters. you vill take a euro, yah?”