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Wanted: one muzzle

I work a day job in a gross carpeted cubical.

A woman with stinky perfume who works on the other side of my wall is constantly complaining. Loudly. She bitches and moans all day about her job and the coffee and the lighting and her daughter and the customers and the people in other departments with snark and venom, interrupting co-workers to yell, “IS IT ME, OR IS SO-AND-SO JUST A STUPID FUCKING IDIOT?”

Day after day after day after day after day. And so loudly my noise-cancelling headphones don’t do shit. Please lady, o please let me suffer in silence. I live for her sick days, I really do. Asthma. Poison ivy. A broken hip. Anything.

Today during her rants I couldn’t help but think: “My god, this woman sounds hysterical, and I mean that in the most politically incorrect and historical sense of the term.”

And then, right on cue:


Somebody just fuck her already. Anyone.

2 Responses to “Wanted: one muzzle”

  1. TooWhiteMen Says:

    I miss 2008, man! Laughing my ass off and loving how fucked up we loved being fucked up. And, I miss 1996 and all its players. Hopkins in his mask: that is a metaphor for what our brains have been like for our entire lives. I’m just glad I found someone as fucked in the head as I. Nice walking and poking and spraying down memory lane again. We got visceral n’ nasty back in the day. PS: It’s election time during a non-incumbent election: Dyke with a dick vs Jersey Playa Crass. Strap-on vs. the dude who spays his balls with Drakkar Noir before his date – cuz it’s classy. You know, just in case she goes down on ya on your first date, because its the considerate thing to do. Okay, I ripped that off from Dennis Farina from the movie Sidewalks of New York – but that’s Trump for you. You know Trump would be the kinda guy to spray his balls with cologne on the first date – cuz it’s classy, babe. Maybe TooWhiteMen and a Lady? I think there’s some shtick left in that stick of yours. It’s election time, babe. You in? It’s gonna be Huuuuuge.

  2. Peter Gibbons Itis Says:

    Negro, Please! It’s called common work life in America. We all have people that we want to skin alive in which we tuck our sacks back and pretend we’re buffalo bill! The (name of rotten co-worker cunt, here) puts the lotion on her skin!

    We all have douche-cunts and douche-cocks that we have to put up with in corporate America.

    You know what I do when I hate the company that I work for?

    I do little picayune shit that hurts the company and I devilishly grin about my little childish antics. Yes, it’s immature and I know this doesn’t your problem profile of one cunt fucking up your day. But, what I like to do is intentionally piss on toilet seats and the floor of said company. You can only do this in a medium to larger size corporate company, in which i work. My problem is me vs. the company. So, this little shit works to keep from pulling a postal.

    In your case, I really don’t know how to play it. Sneeze, wipe a bugger, take some of your fecal matter (after wiping), poor coffee, on her desk or chair.

    For the chair, I find that it’s good to saturate a paper towel to under 100% capacity so it doesn’t leak on the floor to her desk. Take the paper towel and just wet the seat.

    You win two ways: 1) if she sits on it, she’ll hate that you literally got her fucking panty’s wet without whispering sweet nothings into her fucking cunt of an ear; and 2) if she does notice it, she will be annoyed and preemptively try to dry it or have to exert her energy to get her fat piggly-wiggly ass moving to find a drier seat.

    Just like a Skinnerian Pigeon she might get the hint that everytime she opens her fucking fat cunt of mouth to bitch n’ moan she’ll get a little taste of negative reinforcement or punishment for the mental pain she inflicts on her co-workers with that shriveling middle age cunt of a voice that shrills through the office.

    Next step: we get you a Samir and Michael Bolton to fuck that bitch up.

    And no, NIGGA, i ain’t fuckin’ that annoyin’ ho. shut the bitch up yourself. See directions up above.

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