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Fresno, Anne Heche, and sausage synchronicities

Smoking Gun reports 21-year-old Antonio Vasquez allegedly broke into a Fresno home Saturday morning, stole $900, and in a bizarre attack, beat one resident with an 8-inch sausage before tossing seasoning into another victim’s face.

That’s almost as good as the time in 2000 when zany actress Anne Heche, allegedly suffering a mental breakdown after her breakup with Ellen DeGeneres, was found wandering in a rural area outside Fresno. Reportedly wearing only a bra and shorts, she rang a stranger’s doorbell, inquired about a gateway to outer space, and asked if she could use their shower.

Now comes the incredible part: one time when I was 8, I flashed my sausage at Marcy Gatrel, a schizophrenic girl my age who lived across the street from me in Fresno. She later knocked on our door, and when my dad answered, she bit him on the arm, and listen to this: she was wearing a bra and shorts!

Anne Heche Marcy Gatrel
Geographic Location Fresno Fresno
Mental State (allegedly) crazy (certified) crazy
Attire bra & shorts bra & shorts
Knocked on Door? yes yes
Bizarre Act asked about space gateway bit my dad’s arm
Presence of “Gate” yes, inquired about the outer space variety yes, last name is Gatrel, pronounced GATE-rull
Reaction to Sausage will eat it, provided it’s attached to Ellen DeGeneres will look at it, provided it’s hanging out of the 1979 terrycloth shorts my grandma made

These disparate synchronicities have coalesced into a ratty nexus more uncanny and fabulous than 80s metal band hair, and I’m gonna wear that wig, people! Anne Heche is my interdimensional psychic Fresno underwear sausage space gateway twin AND I INTEND TO PROVE IT!

7 Responses to “Fresno, Anne Heche, and sausage synchronicities”

  1. Yes, but Says:

    Joe Klocek kinda looks like Evan Stone the Porn Actor. But hey, have you seen Evan Stone bang chicks on film. Probably not, I don’t think your wife will let you. So, when you stand head to head to that guy, your brain isn’t saying: “God, I wonder if he licked Stormy Daniel’s Vagastic Vajajay.” But, if I had taken that picture with him, that’s exactly the synchronous link may brain would be praying on, while taking a picture with your bud Joe.

    You know, comedy and porn have a lot in common. There ya go: another synchronous pathway!

  2. Yes, but Says:

    Yeah, but:

    As statistics 101 has showed us a gateway, one can create a seemingly perfect synchronicity with any sundry of variables that one person may be attuned to. We are bombarded everyday with stimuli (let’s call them variables); it is each person’s subjective perception of reality that takes the variables/stimuli that they may want to mold into some sort of synchronous structure in order to say to themselves, “Wow! What a connection of supernatural oingo-boingo, man. ” It’s a fucking ride to the creator of one’s syncronicity that may well be ok and fine, but bear no fruit. Why? Well, take numbers for example. You can create many patterns with just a few. Hey: Jim carry did it with the number 23 – but that was a fuckin’ movie. Dig?

    The key word is patterns. Which patterns your brain may be attuned to, many others won’t flinch at. So, I’m sorry to say that your observable pattern doesn’t fly with many other people, say yourself and your parrot. But hey, keep jibing.

    How do you want to make sense of your world? Many things can become ostensibly interconnected – but it is “you” and your obsession that may manifest your internal mental pathway of a synchronicity that might not bear much
    fruit to the gods of fate as much as we may want them to. In order for your sychronicity to be real, the consensus of reality which is built upon the structure of our many neighbors, just might not give two shits about your synchronous insights. Just a thought. But hey: if you live in SF, you have a better shot at convincing your SF brethren that you might have a point.

    Rock on Scotch Wichmann, rock on!

  3. Dude Says:

    I wonder if Heche is doing the cock ride these days.
    what a ho’, licking cunt to get into show biz. wasn’t it always the other way around for a broad to get into show biz. Suck your cock to the top. Now its suck or lick anything to get into the biz.

    Fuck Me. THe world is fucking upside down. just look at this website. but itz all good i guess.

    can’t stop change: even if it means licking the hairy clam to get into show biz.

  4. Dude Says:

    You totally look like a grandson of keith richards. get off the “H”, bitch! You look fuckin’ gaunt.

    It would be a fuckin’ cool sticker. Just post that face of yours around NYC city light posts, no see through planking of construction sites. That face has got a new york fuckin’ city vibe too it. It looks like something that CBGBs would fuckin’ crank out and give free to there fucking customers.

  5. Foo What Says:

    R u now pimpin’ the Disney Channel? Shit.

    I want my free sticker bitch. Now mail that shit out.

    And why are you flicking around on your site when you should be working for “the man”! – sheeat.

  6. Free Sticker? Says:

    Hey Bitches:
    Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. It’s just a picture with sepiatone look. If you were a smart fella, instead of a fart smeller, you’d make some real stickers available with your http site on said sticker and mail them out to some die hard fans of your site. You know, the one’s who give you warm and fuzzy emails saying how much your hiney is so much more special than everyone else’s.

    It would kind of bump up some hits. Or, if you sell product(s) you can add them into the shipping box of said products you may be shipping. Sort of as a complimentary sticker with the products you ship. I don’t know. Just a friendly suggestion from a poor schmuck who might not have all the angles of web marketing.

    I have a potty mouth too. But my potty mouth is better, because it comes from Jersey. Jersey Potty Mouth is much more horrific and shocking than Cali Potty Mouth. So there. for emphasis.

    Yes, I’ve regressed back to the second grade. But that’s what I dig about this site. I get to be a kid again.

    Thanks Potty Mouth Man. Let’s start a grunge garage band together, mate. Whoooooooooo. We can call it “Too…”

  7. Fuckin' Hilarious Says:

    Bravo. I’ve been sneaking peaks into this site for two months now. This is the funniest fukin’ post you’ve ever done. they’re all good, but for some reason – this hit a major fucking funnybone. keep up the VIbe! Your shit gets funnier everyday.

    Dude, love the free sticker.
    It looks like a photo on the back of an English Carton of milk that reads like so:

    23 year grandson of Rolling Stone’s Keith Richards, Volin Richards, is missing. He was last seen in a vintage Rolling Stones tour t-shirt of “Some Girls” that had gravy stains on it while driving around Berlin in a 1966 VW van trying to pick up gigs at Berlin’s underground music scene. His band’s name is Pixilations. His band members in the band said that he saw a German Porn Star and snuck off to the German Swiss border and hasn’t been seen since.

    When asked by one of it’s member’s why he thought Volin Richards did this, the co-band member who asked for anonymity simply stated: “I think it’s all in the genes. I mean look at his grandfather. But don’t worry mate, no matter how much sexual abuse that german porn star gives him, he’ll survive like a fucking cockroach. I mean look at the self induced abuse his own grandfather went through. Volin is gonna pull through and we’ll see him around the bowels of Berlin in no time picking up his blade and riffin’ some new great shit, mate”

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